This is about right.

Say This, Not That

I only have one more week to soak up the freedom that is not having a full-time job. Best make use of the time by educating myself on proper office protocol, starting with these appropriate phrases:

A Very Creepy Christmas

Christmas time is here! Time to deck the halls, drink some eggnog and all that fa la la. Decorating is a big way to show your yuletide spirit, but I can’t help but have noticed that some holiday décor is just a little off. And by off, I mean down right creepy. Here are the Top Five Creepiest Christmas Decorations I found, some of which you can purchase if you need to scare off some pesky in-laws or perverted uncles.

1. SANTA'S HELPER - $350 Etsy.com

Liven up your Christmas decorations with a terrifying Chucky Elf. Straight from the North Pole Insane Asylum, this guy is guaranteed to keep you checking over your shoulder in case he begins following you. I swear it was looking the other direction before….

2. TWO HEADED SANTA- $52.00 Etsy.com

According to the description, Santa has two heads since “one head knows who's been naughty and one head knows who's been nice.” Sheesh I’m creeped enough that he knows when I’m asleep or awake, but now the man has four eyes and can look both ways at once? I’d like to see this version of Santa get the kiddos to sit on his lap at the mall.

3. UGLY CHRISTMAS SWEATER – $84.99 Ebay

Nothing says “Yippy-skippy its Christmas!” like one ugly sweater. This beaut’ is sure to kick all the other ugly sweaters’ asses as it not only lights up, it plays music and dances! All while appearing to burst out of your abdomen. Kinda like the extra-terrestrial coming out of John Hurt in “Alien”, but with Santa shoulder pads. (Batteries not included)

4. ELF BABY - $599.00 Ebay

As if the super realistic ceramic babies weren’t creepy enough, they now come straight from “The Hills Have Eyes.” I’ve seen a lot of Christmas movies and I’m pretty sure elves are never babies. They are born old to make toys or shoes or cookies. Nice try, deformed banished Hill people, but I’m not falling for this decoy. The least you could do is lower the price.

5. TAXIDERMY SQUIRLL

Unfortunately I do not know where this little guy came from or if he’s even for sale. While searching for unique decorations, this image came up with the caption “Christmas Taxidermy”. ‘Tis the season.

British Children are so Wise

The Ghost Inside - Broken Bells

My dream job

Click to enlarge

Zip-a-dee-do-dah

There is a picture on my mantelpiece, taken during a family vacation to Disneyland probably about 12 years ago. It’s a novelty photograph of my father, brother and me on Splash Mountain, just about to take the plunge. We shared our log ride with a family of Asian tourists, and often I wonder…

...is my picture on a mantel somewhere in China?

Top 10 List: Deal Breakers

This fall, the moons aligned just so, Venus crossed Jupiter’s pass, the Gods came together and decided my roommate and I would both be single for the first time in our five- going on six-year friendship. We have had our fair share of the opposite sex and their tireless antics during our college careers and now that we are older, wiser, degree-holding SheWolves on the prowl, we know how to eliminate the nurr-nurrs* from potential BF material in point two seconds. Although we may not know what we are looking for, we sure as hell know what we are NOT looking for.

So here is my comprised list of Deal Breakers. Seemingly harmless habits or characteristics, some unbeknownst to the guilty party, some deemed as ridiculously high standards on my part (and fellow SheWolves consulted). This list is to be used as the first line of defense, but as shallow as it may be, guys might want to take note.

1. Jorts – This is number one in my book. I once went on a few dates with a guy who looked like he could be Taylor Lautner’s older brother but didn’t have enough personality to carry in a bucket. About our 3rd date, we ended the night watching a movie at his place. I excused myself to use the restroom and that’s when I saw them: Tommy Hilfiger jorts hanging to dry in his shower. Complete with the red, white and blue hammer holder. Being the polite lady I am, I finished the movie and promptly returned home, never to call the guy again.

2. T-Rex arms – This is the only item on the list that is beyond the guys self-control. While most Deal Breakers are geared towards poor dressers and obnoxious personalities, guys that lack in the forearm department are just SOL. They’re just creepy. Don’t come at me with your tiny arms. Really, they freak me out.

3. Too slow – Talks, walks, gets ready. You are the boy, you are supposed to be short and to the point, decisive and quick, all those fabulous qualities that girls lack. If the conversation has more uhhmms and sighs and you meander more than walk, I have already directed my attention to McSexy Quickerstein across the bar.

4. Cargo Shorts/Puka shells/Oakleys – I kept these different from jorts for one reason. Boys who wear jorts, as much as I despise them, typically are clueless, fashion deprived simpletons who were never told what is right. Cargo short/puka shell/Oakley offenders are boys whose coolness peaked in the 8th grade and they just can’t let that go. This look is often finished off with frosted tips.

Maybe I'll make an exception for you....maybe.

5. Bluetooth- I don’t think this needs explaining. No one is that important. No one.

6. Mr. Debate – I have found there is a certain type of guy that is more common than I believe should be normal. This is the guy that feels the need to contradict everything any girl says, regardless of the truth, as a way to keep conversation going. I spent some time with a guy that like to tell me that everything I said, thought and did was wrong, although in a playful manner as though I was just being a cute, silly girl. Down to telling me how old and what breed my dog was…when I 100% sure of MY pets birthday and breed. After I would express my frustration and prove my defense (Lord knows I hate being wrong), he would discredit all my work with a “haha, jk”. Maybe Mystery gave this as a tip on The Pick-Up Artist as a way to flirt, but, boys, you have been misguided. It’s really fucking annoying.

7. Groomed facial hair – Guys and their facial hair bonding is beyond me, but unless it is No-Shave November, beard-a-thon for your favorite sports team, or you’re my Dad’s mustache, anything other than a 5 o’clock shadow is unacceptable. Girls go through so much pain and torture to be silky smooth for you, can’t you return the favor on the ONE body part that is required of you?

8. Try to out sarcasm me- This is closely related to Mr. Debate and I feel it is used as a defense mechanism, especially since I am already so damn dry. But laugh with me, and I welcome you to make sarcastic remarks back…if you have that sort of sense of humor. Ill-attempts at sarcasm usually just end up with someone’s hurt feelings. Stay to slapstick, if that’s your style. Just don’t take mine.

9. Their ex is their BFF- Be friends with her. That’s actually a GOOD thing, to see you can end a relationship with mutual respect. But there is more than a fine-line, more like a big fat brick wall, that is the difference of staying friends and still being more than friends. If you get lunch, see a movie, grab some drinks or any other one-on-one interaction with her more than twice a month, you are not over her and not ready to date anyone else. So leave me alone.

10. They have children – I’m 23. Talk to me in 10 years.

*nurr-nurr: dweeb, weirdo, creeper, freak-a-leak