Cabbage Soup Series: Day Three

Day 3: Eat all the Cabbage Soup, fruits and veggies you’d like, but NO baked potato.

Fruits AND Vegetables? Gee it’s like Christmas, I feel so spoiled! Thank goodness the desk goodies are back – I’m stocked full of raisins, dried mango, watermelon and blueberries. Ahhhh, nature’s candy. I have to say, though, I am really starting to become repulsed by water. Eight glasses a day is a bit of a high standard if you ask me.

Today the temptation came in the form of a super-saving deal. A Sam’s Club representative came to work with five layer chocolate cake, pizza, candy and gift cards for joining the Club. Go fuck yourself, Sam’s Club. I bet if Costco were here they would have brought leafy greens. Pounds of it.

I’m not experiencing any sort of hunger pains, but that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t sell my first born for a bowl of Mac n’ Cheese right now. Still, both my morale and demeanor seem unaffected. I thought at the very least the lack of my morning cup of coffee would have me shaking in the fetal position, cradling my throbbing head. However, I did have problems sleeping the night before. After about two hours of pleasant slumber I was awoken either by my own stomach cramps or my partner in dieting/roommate’s (check her veggie blog, yo). Either way we had a few late night passings in the hallway on the way to the restroom.

Once that seemed to settle, I was kept awake the rest of the night with jitters similar to a caffeine buzz. Of course these energy bursts come at 4:30 in the morning when there is nothing else to do but ponder life’s mysteries and dig a philosophical whole so deep you’ll never want to crawl out. Good thing there is watermelon at the end of this tunnel today.

Throughout the day, the vegetarian and I compared notes:

Wow, poor girl! Our hypothesis was that her being a vegetarian, she would have a walk in the park during this ordeal compared to me. Not so the case today (as of early afternoon). So far my only complaint is my extremely dry eyeballs.

But as the day wore on, so did my attitude. Motivation lost. Mind starting to wander. Energy low. Nothing life-hindering, and all symptoms could be attributed to my lack of sleep. More fruit. More soup. MMmmmmm. I treated myself at lunch by adding some crushed red pepper to the day’s rations, a little extra kick I needed. Then something horrible happened, just after lunch. I returned to my desk, rather full of spicy, cabbagey goodness, and time just stopped. My anxiousness and irritability heightened. My extremely strenuous job as a Director of First Impressions (ahem, receptionist) began to suffer as I answered the phones with “Thank you for calling Everest College, now what the fuck do you want?!??”

Socializing on my lunch break.

I watched as the hand on the wall clock went from barely moving forward to actually ticking backwards. Thoughts – horrible ones – entered my mind…dare I say…cheat? I’m so flippin’ bored it is only natural all my thoughts would revolve around food. Luckily my ill-intentions are being driven by boredom more than cravings, but dag nabit, that Twizzler Pull n’ Peel looks like an awfully good time. I avert my eyes from that stupid, ugly candy jar that sits on my desk. I hate that stupid, ugly thing. I don’t care if it is for visitors and students of Everest College; it is in my line of sight and therefore must be destroyed.

But I still can’t shake that 2 o’clock feeling. Not even at 4 o’clock (though I supposed 4 o’clock is my 2 o’clock on a 10-8 schedule). So I did it. I wouldn’t call it a cheat, just a lil’ boost. Kind of like steroids in major league baseball…totally acceptable.

I swear I only took half of a half serving.

Moving forward with no regrets, I ended the night with some more fruit crap mixed with vegetable crap and topped with misery.

Total loss at the end of Day 3: 2.2 lbs. Only 7.8 to go (did I just set a goal?), and 4 days to do it.

Cabbage Soup Series: Day Two

Day 2: Vegetables: Eat until you are stuffed with all fresh, raw or cooked vegetables of your choice, along with your soup. Try to eat leafy greens and stay away from dry beans, peas and corn. At dinner, reward yourself with a big baked potato with butter. Do NOT eat fruit today.

Veggie day. This day proved to be more of a challenge as it is much harder to store veggie snacks in your desk drawer than dried fruit. That and the fact that carrots are really the only raw veggies I like. I suppose I could have gotten a bit more creative but the daytime consisted of only one measly bowl of soup on my lunch break and about five water bottles throughout the day. I was surprised to find I wasn’t starving and not particularly craving junk food, and just the idea of me being able to resist temptation gave me a buzz.

I did start to experience more mood swings and irritability. Or maybe I just realized its Tuesday and I don’t get a day off from work until Sunday. Either way, I definitely looked forward to my reward that night – BAKED POTATO! I made it a true daily double by baking it twice, using a one pound spud with equal parts butter. My theory is that one can have as much butter as they want this night so the fat is extra slippery and slides right out. After I inhaled all the potato innards, I doused the skin in garlic powder, onions, salt and pepper, and broiled it in a pan with a little olive oil for about ten minutes. Could this possibly pass for a delicious snack?

Giving TGIF skins a run for their money.

Overall my moral at the end of Day 2 is still high, no apparent negative side affects. I heard that the 3rd day is the hump, the toughest to get through and resist temptation. My total loss at the end of Day 2 is : 1.4 lbs

May not be Jenny Craig’s sorta numbers…but it’s a start.

Cabbage Soup Series: Day One

Day 1: Fruit: Eat all of the fruit you want, except bananas. Eat only the soup and fruit. For drinks – unsweetened teas, cranberry juice and water.

(I have to admit, I had half a muffin and iced mocha before I remembered this was Day 1 of the diet. Dangit. Day 1 officially began at 10:30 am.)

Well, I thought it would be a few days before I would have to prove my theory that it is not a mental phenomenon that makes you crave junk foods while on a diet. It’s those damn coworkers. Not more than 30 minutes into work, this was dropped off at my desk:

Pure evil.

Look at all of ‘em. Staring up at me like a box of abandoned puppies. I really hate my coworker. I stayed strong though, and devoured my lunch of assorted dried fruits and fruit salad:

Divine intervention

Other than the doughnuts dangling in front of my face, I didn’t struggle with temptations. I am a very sweet-toothed person and can eat fruit until my heart’s content. I can do this! I have the will power of a Mongolian Monk! Burn fat, buuurnn! Okay maybe I’m getting a little excited that I was able to go eight hours only eating fruit. Baby steps. And even no ill-side effects…yet. But then again, no soup…yet.

I made the soup that evening and needless to say I was more than ready for some sodium intake. It actually was a lot tastier than I expected, so much so that I thought maybe I shouldn’t have included the soup mix, as the original recipe didn’t say when to add it and emphasized the meal’s blandness. My vegetarian counterpart confirmed that her soup was flavorless and it must be the use of chicken bouillon that jazzed mine up. Another win for the meat eaters!

Finished the night off with a steaming pile of cabbage soup and called the day a success.

Wait, don’t forget those dreaded “results”.

Total weight loss after day 1: 0 lbs.

So much for thinking Day 1 a success, but my hopes are still high.

Cabbage Soup Series: Whats Stewing Up

I don’t diet. I cant, I won’t. It is a mental aversion. I am the type of person that when a “diet” is mentioned, my mind goes into instant junk food mode, causing me to consume every carb, starch and sugar within a mile radius. After I smother them in gravy.

I wouldn’t say I am in bad shape – at least I’m not offensive to look at in a bikini, but I’m also not about to strut down a runway anytime soon. Of course I fuss over the 10 lbs of fluctuating weight that probably only I notice. But I’m still young so I can get away with eating a less than well-rounded diet. I’m pleasantly average, what doctors and nutritionist like to call “ideal”. Please, since when is average ideal? C’mon, every girl wants to be bag-of-bones skinny and a whole lot of them will go to any measure to get there. Again, I can’t. I won’t. I don’t know how. Inevitably, the word “diet” will come into play and I’ll be trampling people to get to the front of the line at Lolo’s Chicken and Waffles. And I’ll smother it in gravy.

So why, after proclaiming again and again that I can’t, won’t and don’t know how to diet, would I voluntarily embark on a 7-day, no holds, grab- the-veggies-by the-balls crash diet? It’s not for my health – I highly doubt a meal plan that advises NOT doing more than a week can be healthy. Ohh no, health shmealth. I am doing it as a testament to my willpower, a challenge of self control. And because I’m very, really, super bored. So I welcome you to my blog mini-series: The Cabbage Soup Diet.

Here’s what The Cabbage Soup Diet entails: one week of certain foods paired with unlimited consumption of cabbage soup. It’s a fairly popular diet, or “cleanse”, though I am beginning to suspect that word is thrown out a lot more in the nutrition world than necessary. I shopped around, looked into the “Master Cleanse” (aka the Lemonade and Cayenne pepper diet), but the pricey ingredients - $25 grade D maple syrup? - combined with the fact that there would be no masticating in the process quickly turned me away. Although they may not be my favorite foods, at lease FOOD is a part of The Cabbage Soup Diet.

I will document my experience of each day, hopefully amounting to monumental results. Of course, to calculate the results I must know my start weight so first step is the hardest- onto the scale.

Ouch.

Well the bad news is that I am at my heaviest this year, but the good news is the new pounds should shed quickly, giving me more dramatic results and making me feel that much more successful and awesome. I hope.

So here it is, the magic concoction:

Ingredients:

• Olive oil
• 6 large green onions
• 2 green peppers
• 1 large can diced tomatoes
• 3 carrots
• 8 oz container of mushrooms
• 1 bunch of celery
• ½ head of cabbage
• 1 package onion soup mix
• 1 teaspoon chicken bouillon
• 48 oz of V8 juice
• 8 cups water
• Dash of pepper, few shakes of garlic salt

Where are the Pot Pies?

Directions:

• Slice green onions, sauté in deep pot with a TBS olive oil
• Deseed and chop the green peppers and add to pot
• Remove the outer layers of the cabbage, chop and add to pot
• Clean carrots, chop and add to pot
• Slice mushrooms (if needed), add to pot
• Chop celery and add to pot

Ewww.

• Add chicken bouillon and soup mix
• Add water, V8 juice, and canned tomatoes
• Cover and put on low heat, allowing it to cook for about two hours

Now this is something I might eat.

This recipe was originally pulled from here, however this version leaves out a few steps and provides some different options. The above is exactly how I made it.

Then the last and probably most important ingredient is a friend (aww). Really though, support systems are crucial to success in diets, even if they are only ridiculous week long crash diets. You can visit my friend Denise's eerily similar account of the exact same experience on her blog.

Bon Appetite!

Guess Again, Supserstar!

And you thought Mark Taylor on Home Improvement was Taran Noah Smith's only notable role. The child actor was also an advocate for child safety, as demonstrated in this 90stastic PSA.

SAFE KIDS! from Airwave Ranger on Vimeo.

Thanks for the warning, Taran! I'm staying the fuck away from milk cartons! (Oh and yes, that is the boom mic at 2:13, followed by an epic chase scene.)

Have a Great Day!

Sometimes, happiness has got to be faked.

Silent Bob speaks up: I weigh in on the issue

Picture source @ThatKevinSmith's twitpic

@ThatKevinSmith vs @SouthwestAir

Kevin Smith, the B-list actor/director better known as Silent Bob, or more recently for his work on the great television show Degrassi: The Next Generation, was removed from a Southwest flight for being, well, too fat to fly. As the story goes (or so does my compilation from both sources), Smith was waiting standby for a flight from Oakland to Burbank, a common trip for him. He had originally purchased two seats to accommodate his larger size but in last minute plan changes, opted for one standby seat on another flight.

Apparently, Smith was among the last to board, was able to situate himself in the single chair, buckle his seat belt and put down the arm rests comfortably. It was after then that an attendant noticed Smith was, according to Southwest policy, too large of a being to be in one seat and would have to exit the plane. He was compensated with $100 flight voucher and accommodated on a later flight.

Well, kudos to Smith for being humble enough to fly an airline known for having the most reasonable rates and not requiring first class accommodations. But that's about as down-to-earth as he is going to get, as Smith took his woes to those he knew would care the most: his fans. Smith began declaring his dissatisfaction with Southwest on Twitter, which quickly snowballed into anti-Southwest rally. Such Tweets included:

ThatKevinSmith: So, @SouthwestAir, go fuck yourself. I broke no regulation, offered no "safety risk" (what, was I gonna roll on a fellow passenger?). I was

ThatKevinSmith: wrongly ejected from the flight (even Suzanne eventually agreed). And fuck your apologetic $100 voucher, @SouthwestAir. Thank God I don't

ThatKevinSmith: embarrass easily (bless you, JERSEY GIRL training). But I don't sulk off either: so everyday, some new fuck-you Tweets for @SouthwestAir.

In reply, hundreds of Tweeters began to share their own Southwest horror stories, from - gasp - delayed flights to other 2-tickets required passengers.

It is understandable why Smith is upset with Southwest. Humiliation is quiet possibly the worst feeling a company could evoke in a customer, although I doubt Smith was truly embarrassed as much as he was just frustrated by the inconvenience. But have some tact, man! Under the account @ThatKevinSmith, the director has posted complaints, rants and tangents to @SouthwestAir as well as proposed challenges and placed bets.

Every two minutes.

For the past two days.

That's a lot of tweets.

He's starting to sound like @OfficialTila, and lets be real, people follow Ms Tequila just waiting for the train wreck to ensue.

Southwest's PR team jumped on the issue, as Southwest does a fairly good job utilizing the social networking site. They issued a public letter of apology after trying to settle the issue privately. The letter is what is to be expected from a major company, assuming all responsibility, apologizing profusely and clarifying policies. Now what?

Let me say, I'm all for getting corporate attention via Twitter. Be it tickets to NBA basketball games, taxi fare refunds or three-armed Snuggies - all of which I have obtained by heckling the right accounts- Twitter is a great way for the little guy to get attention from the bigwigs. That is, if it's done correctly.

First of all, there is a reason Twitter limits 140 characters, and it's a good one. Its microblogging, get your point out, cultivate interest and quickly. I have 700 people to follow, I don't want to be reading half- or in Smith's case- a third of a Tweet when it's continuation may be lost in the shuffle. Once the interest is generated, engage in conversation with fellow Tweeters. Then you can make several points over the course of several Tweets. But don't write a full length article, put that in your blog and make a link...that's the point.

Second, don't draw so much negative attention to yourself. Smith is no longer the victim. Of course his fans and his followers may side with his point-of-view. But c'mon, was Southwest really being malicious? A situation was poorly handled. They apologized. Smith spat on their apology and now wants to appear on the Daily Show sitting in a standard Southwest seat, to prove his innocence from obesity to the world. We believe you, Smith. You got the seat belt fastened and put the arm rests down. Congrats. Still, the number on his scale is against the airline policy, something he was aware of prior to the flight.

It will be interesting to see if Southwest accepts the challenge, because now there is a charity donation at stake. Hopefully the charity will be one fighting childhood obesity. I give it another week until Smith's fans tell him to shut his pie hole. Might do him good in more ways than one.