Top 10 List: Deal Breakers

This fall, the moons aligned just so, Venus crossed Jupiter’s pass, the Gods came together and decided my roommate and I would both be single for the first time in our five- going on six-year friendship. We have had our fair share of the opposite sex and their tireless antics during our college careers and now that we are older, wiser, degree-holding SheWolves on the prowl, we know how to eliminate the nurr-nurrs* from potential BF material in point two seconds. Although we may not know what we are looking for, we sure as hell know what we are NOT looking for.

So here is my comprised list of Deal Breakers. Seemingly harmless habits or characteristics, some unbeknownst to the guilty party, some deemed as ridiculously high standards on my part (and fellow SheWolves consulted). This list is to be used as the first line of defense, but as shallow as it may be, guys might want to take note.

1. Jorts – This is number one in my book. I once went on a few dates with a guy who looked like he could be Taylor Lautner’s older brother but didn’t have enough personality to carry in a bucket. About our 3rd date, we ended the night watching a movie at his place. I excused myself to use the restroom and that’s when I saw them: Tommy Hilfiger jorts hanging to dry in his shower. Complete with the red, white and blue hammer holder. Being the polite lady I am, I finished the movie and promptly returned home, never to call the guy again.

2. T-Rex arms – This is the only item on the list that is beyond the guys self-control. While most Deal Breakers are geared towards poor dressers and obnoxious personalities, guys that lack in the forearm department are just SOL. They’re just creepy. Don’t come at me with your tiny arms. Really, they freak me out.

3. Too slow – Talks, walks, gets ready. You are the boy, you are supposed to be short and to the point, decisive and quick, all those fabulous qualities that girls lack. If the conversation has more uhhmms and sighs and you meander more than walk, I have already directed my attention to McSexy Quickerstein across the bar.

4. Cargo Shorts/Puka shells/Oakleys – I kept these different from jorts for one reason. Boys who wear jorts, as much as I despise them, typically are clueless, fashion deprived simpletons who were never told what is right. Cargo short/puka shell/Oakley offenders are boys whose coolness peaked in the 8th grade and they just can’t let that go. This look is often finished off with frosted tips.

Maybe I'll make an exception for you....maybe.

5. Bluetooth- I don’t think this needs explaining. No one is that important. No one.

6. Mr. Debate – I have found there is a certain type of guy that is more common than I believe should be normal. This is the guy that feels the need to contradict everything any girl says, regardless of the truth, as a way to keep conversation going. I spent some time with a guy that like to tell me that everything I said, thought and did was wrong, although in a playful manner as though I was just being a cute, silly girl. Down to telling me how old and what breed my dog was…when I 100% sure of MY pets birthday and breed. After I would express my frustration and prove my defense (Lord knows I hate being wrong), he would discredit all my work with a “haha, jk”. Maybe Mystery gave this as a tip on The Pick-Up Artist as a way to flirt, but, boys, you have been misguided. It’s really fucking annoying.

7. Groomed facial hair – Guys and their facial hair bonding is beyond me, but unless it is No-Shave November, beard-a-thon for your favorite sports team, or you’re my Dad’s mustache, anything other than a 5 o’clock shadow is unacceptable. Girls go through so much pain and torture to be silky smooth for you, can’t you return the favor on the ONE body part that is required of you?

8. Try to out sarcasm me- This is closely related to Mr. Debate and I feel it is used as a defense mechanism, especially since I am already so damn dry. But laugh with me, and I welcome you to make sarcastic remarks back…if you have that sort of sense of humor. Ill-attempts at sarcasm usually just end up with someone’s hurt feelings. Stay to slapstick, if that’s your style. Just don’t take mine.

9. Their ex is their BFF- Be friends with her. That’s actually a GOOD thing, to see you can end a relationship with mutual respect. But there is more than a fine-line, more like a big fat brick wall, that is the difference of staying friends and still being more than friends. If you get lunch, see a movie, grab some drinks or any other one-on-one interaction with her more than twice a month, you are not over her and not ready to date anyone else. So leave me alone.

10. They have children – I’m 23. Talk to me in 10 years.

*nurr-nurr: dweeb, weirdo, creeper, freak-a-leak

Why Facebooking about your job makes you look like a douche bag.

By now social media has infiltrated our lives enough that the average person should (and emphasis SHOULD) know the proper etiquette of sharing information, especially about the workplace. Every senior in high school has been lectured about the dangers of sharing TMI having an effect on their college admissions, and then once in college, they are constantly reminded of the grave dangers of Facebook posts and how they will ruin your chance at any potential future career.

Well I’m not talking about any of that blatantly obvious advice. True, don’t update your status with “Still so drunk from last night, I hope I washed that goat stench off” or “Hehehe let’s see if my boss wants a rewrite of that proposal once he opens the pipe bomb I sent him.” Offering up information that has the obvious potential (i.e., criminal activity) to damage your reputation and career is given, and if a person refuses to see that, then they don’t really deserve to be in a professional environment.

The issue – or phenomenon, if you will – that I am here to put an end to are all the bragtards out there who needlessly update their social media outlet of choice with, although work appropriate, pathetic accomplishments and antics of their job. I get it, you have job you are proud of and for good reason! Times are tough, jobs are tougher. But these updates are rarely aimed at their boss (who should not be their Facebook friend regardless), but at their peers in society such as friends, equal leveled coworkers, and former classmates, as to say “Neener neener neener” (cue whiney playground bully voice). You may not lose your job, but you might just lose a lot of followers and friends instead.

OFFENSE 1:

DON’T: Brag. Not only is it unattractive and ultimately counteractive to your goal (insecurities, anyone?), but many times what you think will blow your peers away will just make them roll their eyes.

EXAMPLE: I had a friend who posted a mobile photo of her desk, which was topped with two computer monitors. The paragraph–long caption detailed how they company insisted she embark on this riveting new technology that is dual monitors for her gratuitous amounts of work, the complexity of her job that only a true great mind like her could handle and made sure to include as much industry jargon as possible. She truely believed that her entry level position was one step away from owning the company. (She acutally confided to me at one point that she would most likely be promoted to exectutive in a rediculously short amount of time, which I pretended I couldn't hear over the microwave or wind blowing outside or the sharpening of the pencils I was about to shove in my eardrums.)

Now, this might have been something to be proud of, if she had come across remotely knowing what she was talking about. Personally, I too was super impressed when provided with dual monitors in my graphic design class in (public) high school, eight years ago. I was only slightly less impressed when about half of the guys I knew in college did a similar set up with their MacBooks and 44in flat screen TVs, although I may not totally appreciate the point. Hell, I’m not doing much at work right now, maybe I’ll throw another monitor on my desk so I can finally watch that show Lost everyone is so obsessed with while simultaneously “working”. Rather, the magnitude of the accomplishment she implied was outweighed by the absurdity that Dow Jones would crash had she not been given a second computer screen.

HOW TO KNOW IF YOU’RE GUILTY: If only your mom/ grandma comments.

DO: If all your Facebook fans are just dying to see your work desk, please the peons with the mobile upload and an aloof caption “Twice the monitors, twice the fun!” The image of two screen is engaging and you’ll come off as more important than someone who feels the need to explain why they are important, and much less of an ass hole.

OFFENSE 2:

DON’T: Complain how busy/stressful your job is. In no way do I mean to discredit your stress, as everyone handles it differently and can take on different amounts. However, be prepared to get a backlash from people who believe that they are even more busy/stressed than you, and intend to prove it.

EXAMPLE: In another mobile upload (although from a different user) the image showed Microsoft Outlook with an inbox slightly exceeding 100 unread messages. The caption read along the lines of “so much work” blah, blah, blah. Within an hour there were half a dozen comments from fellow white-collar workers comparing their own inbox rankings, all of which trumped the puny 100 (because who would dare admit they weren’t as swamped?) Again speaking from personal experience, I have held office jobs ranging from as little three emails a day, to one where I got upwards of 300 in a day. Point is, I wasn’t significantly more important in either of these positions, but gosh 300 does make me sound incredibly imperative.

HOW TO KNOW IF YOU’RE GUILTY: If every comment regarding your post contains one of the following words: weak, pussy, amateur, rookie, wannabe, pathetic, just wait, so on and so forth.

DO: Simply state “Spent all morning checking email, will it never stop?” or something with that general meaning. Giving concrete data is giving fuel to the haters (think the person who bid $1 above the next highest bidder on The Price is Right), while keeping a mystery may lead some to believe you really are as crucial of an employee as you think.

OFFENSE 3:

DON’T: Boast about a raise. Though this may seem to fall in the category of bragging, I think it deserves its own address. It is a universal rule that personal relationships* with money, religion and politics should not be discussed with acquaintances or anyone less than your closest friends or significant others. This definitely applies to all social media.

EXAMPLE: Any mention of pay, increase thereof, with or without exact monetary values. Just don’t do it.

HOW TO YOU IF YOURE GUILTY: You know.

DO: Celebrate with a small happy hour with mutually respected coworkers or close friends. And buy everyone a round of shots, it’s the least you could do while wallowing in your own success.

*(warning, rant about to ensue)*social media can be great platforms for special interest groups, economist, activists, political parties, a cappella groups, LARP players and members of the International Butter Club, but those strong willed opinions should be addressed on the proper platform with structured debates and discussions. By “personal relationship” I mean one’s own finances (not the economy, feel free to bitch openly about that). Another example of breaking this universal rule is the following political….observance, if you will, that a friend of mine posted as her status: “Democrats solution to our country's health problem: Universal health care. Republicans solution: If you're poor or don't have insurance, don't get sick. Hmmm...” Of course this was followed by 30 comments, some in protest, some in agreement, some even with –can you believe it- supportive facts, to which the original poster replied “I hate heated Facebook debates.” Do I really need to explain the irony?

If you have a job, great. If you have a great job, awesome! Everyone deserves to be proud of themselves, especially when accomplishing their goals. But personal satisfaction along with tact can go a long way – sometimes further than a bachelor’s degree. So next time you want to shout from the rooftops how awesome your job really is (or how awesome you think you really are at your job) just remember…who are you trying to impress when the only opinion that matters is yours?....and maybe your boss, but c'mon, who really friends their boss on Facebook?

Cabbage Soup Series: Day Seven and Beyond

Day Seven: Brown rice, unsweetened fruit juices and vegetables: Again, stuff, stuff, stuff yourself. Be sure to ear your soup at least once this day.

And on the seventh day, Stephanie gave up. No, that's a lie, but as I dragged my feet into the kitchen, sifted through the Kraft Mac n' Cheese and Bertinelli's tortellini for brown rice, there was nothing more I wanted to do. One. More. Day. 24 hours til culinary freedom. But until then: Brown rice.

Well, I don't know what happened to "diminishing cravings" but I was really in the mood for something sweet. A stir-fry with veggies would be the obvious choice for an easy rice meal, but two days of nothing but meat and veggies, I could use the change of pace. At this point I felt like I had exhausted all my will-power and threw the suggestion of unsweetened juices out the door. I was makin' me some porridge.

Still going with the previous nights "creative" theme (that or just not giving a crap anymore what I was making or if it even tasted remotely good), I experimented with a few different ingredients, included natural sweetener Agave Honey, berries, cinnamon and raisins. I tried to overcook the rice a bit to achieve a more porridge-like texture, but what really resulted was a slightly mushy, vibrantly purple rice. Something was missing...so far I don't think Goldie Locks would approve of my concoction.

To add to the texture and over all flavor, I crushed some almonds and created a sort of crust by mixing the nuts with honey. It gave my porridge a satisfying crunch, but it only took me half the bowl to realize what I was eating was in fact very disgusting and I wasn't fooling anyone by telling myself otherwise. I supposed health nuts that are used to just granola and enjoying things like running may enjoy this dish, but as the end of the week approached, I was in no mood to pretend I was one of those people.

But I did it. Seven days of no junk food, no ice cream, no Campbell's Chunky Soup, no chicken pot pies. One week of strict eating, and other than my one or two little (really little, like hardly worth mentioning little) slip ups, I felt really accomplished. Final results: 6.0 lbs. So I didn't loose any inches, not even a dress size, but I gained a sense of self empowerment. How long will this last...

**UPDATE**
9/21/10
Well its been one month since my Cabbage Soup diet and I really do think it has changed my eating patterns. I crave smaller portions and less often do I opted for the fried foods. I kept the weight off, though I still fluctuate several pounds on any given day. I'll say it again and again, crash diets are not healthy, practical ways to lose weight, but this particular one could be a great way to jump start a more healthy way of living. With this new found will power, maybe I will try the Master Cleanse next....

Oh, and just in case you were wondering what my first meal off the diet was....

Cabbage Soup Series: Day Six

Day Six: Beef and Vegetables: Eat to your heart's content of beef, chicken or fish and leafy green vegetables. No baked potato. Eat you soup at least once.

After the beef tore through my system like PETA in a fur store, I decided that broiled chicken might be a better option. That and because out of the six steaks I had purchased, my roommate ate four and I still needed to save one. So much for "I have extra, help yourself to one." Ass hole.

Since it was now the weekend, and this diet doesn't take into account and therefore eliminates any kind of social life, I had lots of spare time to get creative in the kitchen: I started by soaking my chicken in a pear cider-based marinade (I would have done with beer but this was the closest thing I had). I added a pinch of this, a dash of that - basically including any spice or herb that was in my kitchen and sounded good for poultry. Oregano? Sure! Thyme? Why not?! Rosemary? By all means! Vanilla extract? Extna.

After soaking for most of the day, I created a rub with the same mix of herbs and spices, added a little of this and that, some wet, some dry, bada bing, bada boom...I'll call it my Crusty Chicken Paste. Looked really disgusting and was hard as hell to spread on a slippery chicken cutlet. Broiled - for the first time on the actual broiling rack which I just learned what it was for, might I add - both sides for about 6 minutes.

For my side, I cooked up some spinach. And by some, I mean an entire box that took up an entire shelf in the fridge. I cooked it down on low heat in a large sauce pan with some olive oil, butter and salt. Popeye was onto something, this has to be one of my favorite ways to consume leafy greens.

Voila: The finished product.

When it was finally time to eat my rations for the day, I was famished. Call me crazy, but I feel like I've heard somewhere to ear small portions throughout the day. Well, this one big meal would have to do. Again, the longevity and healthiness of this experiment really isn't my concern.

Cabbage Soup Series: Day Five

Day Five: Beef and Tomatoes: Ten to twenty ounces of beef and up to six fresh tomatoes. Drink at least 6 to 8 cups of water this day to wash the uric acid from your body. Eat your soup at least once this day. You may eat broiled or baked chicken instead of beef (but absolutely no skin-on chicken). If you prefer, you can substitute broiled fish for the beef one of the beef days (but not both).

Beef. Meat. Fatty tissue. Say it with me….PROOTIIEEN. This meal was so beautiful, so natural, so right, that I can only have pictures describe what a thousand words would take:

No, that is not bacon my beef is wrapped in. Just ignore that, its not important.

To add to the bestiality, I pull all the forks and knives in the dish washer while the beefy mass was in the oven. I had nothing to rip through the flesh other than my God-given hands and teeth. I assumed the Mr. Peepers circa Chris Kattan stance to demolish my meal, and was thankful I was the only one home.

I like my meat rare, but there is a good chance that this was still raw.

As I sat back with my belly full, wiping the bloody juices from my chin, I knew I was in for a rough tomorrow. I slept soundly enough, only to be woken up what can only be described as a hung-over in Vegas kind of stomach pain. I gave up alcohol for the week to feel like this? I downed a glass of much-needed chocolate milk – my ultimate health cure – and accepted the cheat with my head hung low but stomach soothed. But hey, what’s one little bitsy glass of milk when I was down 5.4 lbs!

Cabbage Soup Series: Day Four

Day 4: Bananas and Skim Milk: Eat as many as eight bananas and drink as many glasses of skim milk as you would like on this day, along with your soup.

Part way through writing my initial post for Day 4, where I recapped a day of milk and bananas, short temperament and irritability – yet remarkably no hunger or cravings – I came to a great realization. It wasn’t that I was becoming more and more cantankerous; it’s that all these fruits and veggies and stewed cabbage must be making me smarter! So much, in fact, that everyone around me had become dumber and more annoying! Eureka, its not me! Stupid people are much easier to deal with once you’ve accepted simpletons just can’t comprehend Mensa level thinking. For example:

Me: Thank you for calling E*erest, how can I help you?
Caller: Where you at?
Me: We are located at Baseline and Higley Roads.
Caller: Where’s that?
Me: In Mesa near the Superstition Springs Mall.
Caller: Huh?
Me: Mesa… It’s in the East Valley. Near Chandler-Gilbert.
Caller: snaflblat
Me: I’m sorry?
Caller: Is it close?
Me: Well, that depends on where you are. I am very close.
Caller: I’m on…………….. 48th.
Me: Great! I’m just going to assume you mean Street. Now, does 48th intersect anything.
Caller: No, I said 48th.
Me: Go east.
Caller: Which way is that.
Me: Left.
Caller: Aighht thanks.
*click*



The following voicemail was recorded in about a 3 second span:

Caller:HimynameisMarkandIhaveaveryurgentmessageformywifewhohasclasstonight. Pleasetelltheteachertocallmeat##-###,it’stheSuperstitionSpringsToyotacallcenter, press7andaskforCharlieandhe’llgetmeandI’lltellyouthemessageformywife.

Message intended for teacher, which I stuck outside the mailboxes:
ATTN: Unnamed teacher who has an unnamed student married to a Mark. Mark did not leave a very important message. Please call Toyota and speak to Charles for more information.



Student enters lobby: Hi! I have an appointment.
Me: Great if you could please sign in….who is your appointment with?
Student: I don’t remember.
Me: Okay well here is a water bottle while you wait….(check schedule book, name is not there. Check our database, student not there)
Me: Is this your first time in?
Student: Yeah.
Me: Okay we’ll I don’t see you here on my schedule; let me try to find an available representative. Meanwhile here is an iPod with short videos about our programs. (I set student up on iPod, start to call around to see who had an appointment with her.)
Student: This is nifty (referencing iPod)…there’s no videos on root canals.
Me: I’m sorry?
Student: How much is a root canal here?
Me: I….uh…
Student: (stars at me)
Me: Ma’am, are you hear to enroll in E*erest?
Student: Naw I’m just getting a cleaning today. But I’ll need a root canal (proceeds to poke around in her mouth as to show me something).
Me: Uhm. This isn’t a dentist’s office.
Non-student: (getting huffy) Well this is where they told me to go.
Me: I’m……sorry? I believe there is a dental school down the block a bit. That must be it.
Non-student: Can you call them for me?
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t know who they are.
Non-student: The teeth people.
Me: Yes I understand, but I do not know the name of the office or how to get in touch with them.
Non-student: (looks around) What is this? Where am I?

I go back to answering phones and the non-student disappears.

Thank you, Cabbage Soup Diet, for giving me the strength to show up to work every day.

Oh and I ate bananas and drank skim milk all the live-long day. I think I’ll have a competition to see which is faster, paint drying or grass growing, just to add to the day’s blandness.

Day 4 poundage loss: _3 lbs_

Cabbage Soup Series: Day Three

Day 3: Eat all the Cabbage Soup, fruits and veggies you’d like, but NO baked potato.

Fruits AND Vegetables? Gee it’s like Christmas, I feel so spoiled! Thank goodness the desk goodies are back – I’m stocked full of raisins, dried mango, watermelon and blueberries. Ahhhh, nature’s candy. I have to say, though, I am really starting to become repulsed by water. Eight glasses a day is a bit of a high standard if you ask me.

Today the temptation came in the form of a super-saving deal. A Sam’s Club representative came to work with five layer chocolate cake, pizza, candy and gift cards for joining the Club. Go fuck yourself, Sam’s Club. I bet if Costco were here they would have brought leafy greens. Pounds of it.

I’m not experiencing any sort of hunger pains, but that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t sell my first born for a bowl of Mac n’ Cheese right now. Still, both my morale and demeanor seem unaffected. I thought at the very least the lack of my morning cup of coffee would have me shaking in the fetal position, cradling my throbbing head. However, I did have problems sleeping the night before. After about two hours of pleasant slumber I was awoken either by my own stomach cramps or my partner in dieting/roommate’s (check her veggie blog, yo). Either way we had a few late night passings in the hallway on the way to the restroom.

Once that seemed to settle, I was kept awake the rest of the night with jitters similar to a caffeine buzz. Of course these energy bursts come at 4:30 in the morning when there is nothing else to do but ponder life’s mysteries and dig a philosophical whole so deep you’ll never want to crawl out. Good thing there is watermelon at the end of this tunnel today.

Throughout the day, the vegetarian and I compared notes:

Wow, poor girl! Our hypothesis was that her being a vegetarian, she would have a walk in the park during this ordeal compared to me. Not so the case today (as of early afternoon). So far my only complaint is my extremely dry eyeballs.

But as the day wore on, so did my attitude. Motivation lost. Mind starting to wander. Energy low. Nothing life-hindering, and all symptoms could be attributed to my lack of sleep. More fruit. More soup. MMmmmmm. I treated myself at lunch by adding some crushed red pepper to the day’s rations, a little extra kick I needed. Then something horrible happened, just after lunch. I returned to my desk, rather full of spicy, cabbagey goodness, and time just stopped. My anxiousness and irritability heightened. My extremely strenuous job as a Director of First Impressions (ahem, receptionist) began to suffer as I answered the phones with “Thank you for calling Everest College, now what the fuck do you want?!??”

Socializing on my lunch break.

I watched as the hand on the wall clock went from barely moving forward to actually ticking backwards. Thoughts – horrible ones – entered my mind…dare I say…cheat? I’m so flippin’ bored it is only natural all my thoughts would revolve around food. Luckily my ill-intentions are being driven by boredom more than cravings, but dag nabit, that Twizzler Pull n’ Peel looks like an awfully good time. I avert my eyes from that stupid, ugly candy jar that sits on my desk. I hate that stupid, ugly thing. I don’t care if it is for visitors and students of Everest College; it is in my line of sight and therefore must be destroyed.

But I still can’t shake that 2 o’clock feeling. Not even at 4 o’clock (though I supposed 4 o’clock is my 2 o’clock on a 10-8 schedule). So I did it. I wouldn’t call it a cheat, just a lil’ boost. Kind of like steroids in major league baseball…totally acceptable.

I swear I only took half of a half serving.

Moving forward with no regrets, I ended the night with some more fruit crap mixed with vegetable crap and topped with misery.

Total loss at the end of Day 3: 2.2 lbs. Only 7.8 to go (did I just set a goal?), and 4 days to do it.