Monday, September 27, 2010

Top 10 List: Deal Breakers

This fall, the moons aligned just so, Venus crossed Jupiter’s pass, the Gods came together and decided my roommate and I would both be single for the first time in our five- going on six-year friendship. We have had our fair share of the opposite sex and their tireless antics during our college careers and now that we are older, wiser, degree-holding SheWolves on the prowl, we know how to eliminate the nurr-nurrs* from potential BF material in point two seconds. Although we may not know what we are looking for, we sure as hell know what we are NOT looking for.

So here is my comprised list of Deal Breakers. Seemingly harmless habits or characteristics, some unbeknownst to the guilty party, some deemed as ridiculously high standards on my part (and fellow SheWolves consulted). This list is to be used as the first line of defense, but as shallow as it may be, guys might want to take note.

1. Jorts – This is number one in my book. I once went on a few dates with a guy who looked like he could be Taylor Lautner’s older brother but didn’t have enough personality to carry in a bucket. About our 3rd date, we ended the night watching a movie at his place. I excused myself to use the restroom and that’s when I saw them: Tommy Hilfiger jorts hanging to dry in his shower. Complete with the red, white and blue hammer holder. Being the polite lady I am, I finished the movie and promptly returned home, never to call the guy again.

T-Rex arms – This is the only item on the list that is beyond the guys self-control. While most Deal Breakers are geared towards poor dressers and obnoxious personalities, guys that lack in the forearm department are just SOL. They’re just creepy. Don’t come at me with your tiny arms. Really, they freak me out.

3. Too slow – Talks, walks, gets ready. You are the boy, you are supposed to be short and to the point, decisive and quick, all those fabulous qualities that girls lack. If the conversation has more uhhmms and sighs and you meander more than walk, I have already directed my attention to McSexy Quickerstein across the bar.

4. Cargo Shorts/Puka shells/Oakleys – I kept these different from jorts for one reason. Boys who wear jorts, as much as I despise them, typically are clueless, fashion deprived simpletons who were never told what is right. Cargo short/puka shell/Oakley offenders are boys whose coolness peaked in the 8th grade and they just can’t let that go. This look is often finished off with frosted tips.

Maybe I'll make an exception for you....maybe.

5. Bluetooth- I don’t think this needs explaining. No one is that important. No one.

6. Mr. Debate – I have found there is a certain type of guy that is more common than I believe should be normal. This is the guy that feels the need to contradict everything any girl says, regardless of the truth, as a way to keep conversation going. I spent some time with a guy that like to tell me that everything I said, thought and did was wrong, although in a playful manner as though I was just being a cute, silly girl. Down to telling me how old and what breed my dog was…when I 100% sure of MY pets birthday and breed. After I would express my frustration and prove my defense (Lord knows I hate being wrong), he would discredit all my work with a “haha, jk”. Maybe Mystery gave this as a tip on The Pick-Up Artist as a way to flirt, but, boys, you have been misguided. It’s really fucking annoying.

7. Groomed facial hair – Guys and their facial hair bonding is beyond me, but unless it is No-Shave November, beard-a-thon for your favorite sports team, or you’re my Dad’s mustache, anything other than a 5 o’clock shadow is unacceptable. Girls go through so much pain and torture to be silky smooth for you, can’t you return the favor on the ONE body part that is required of you?

8. Try to out sarcasm me- This is closely related to Mr. Debate and I feel it is used as a defense mechanism, especially since I am already so damn dry. But laugh with me, and I welcome you to make sarcastic remarks back…if you have that sort of sense of humor. Ill-attempts at sarcasm usually just end up with someone’s hurt feelings. Stay to slapstick, if that’s your style. Just don’t take mine.

9. Their ex is their BFF- Be friends with her. That’s actually a GOOD thing, to see you can end a relationship with mutual respect. But there is more than a fine-line, more like a big fat brick wall, that is the difference of staying friends and still being more than friends. If you get lunch, see a movie, grab some drinks or any other one-on-one interaction with her more than twice a month, you are not over her and not ready to date anyone else. So leave me alone.

10. They have children – I’m 23. Talk to me in 10 years.

*nurr-nurr: dweeb, weirdo, creeper, freak-a-leak


  1. This is great!!! Mr. bluetooth!! LMAO I have a friend that wears his all the time and still thinks it is cool despite the fact that I make him aware of how "uncool" it really is all the time! He laughs it off and still jams it!

  2. Jorts are making a comeback!

    The same cannot be said for T-rex arms.

  3. Garrett they are definetly not. Dont even try, I know where you do your laundy.

  4. Steph- know this is a little out-of-date now, but, just found this and it's hilarious. Jorts men vs. puka shelled-frosted tips & reference to Mystery...haha loved it!