Thursday, August 12, 2010

Cabbage Soup Series: Day Four

Day 4: Bananas and Skim Milk: Eat as many as eight bananas and drink as many glasses of skim milk as you would like on this day, along with your soup.

Part way through writing my initial post for Day 4, where I recapped a day of milk and bananas, short temperament and irritability – yet remarkably no hunger or cravings – I came to a great realization. It wasn’t that I was becoming more and more cantankerous; it’s that all these fruits and veggies and stewed cabbage must be making me smarter! So much, in fact, that everyone around me had become dumber and more annoying! Eureka, its not me! Stupid people are much easier to deal with once you’ve accepted simpletons just can’t comprehend Mensa level thinking. For example:

Me: Thank you for calling E*erest, how can I help you?
Caller: Where you at?
Me: We are located at Baseline and Higley Roads.
Caller: Where’s that?
Me: In Mesa near the Superstition Springs Mall.
Caller: Huh?
Me: Mesa… It’s in the East Valley. Near Chandler-Gilbert.
Caller: snaflblat
Me: I’m sorry?
Caller: Is it close?
Me: Well, that depends on where you are. I am very close.
Caller: I’m on…………….. 48th.
Me: Great! I’m just going to assume you mean Street. Now, does 48th intersect anything.
Caller: No, I said 48th.
Me: Go east.
Caller: Which way is that.
Me: Left.
Caller: Aighht thanks.

The following voicemail was recorded in about a 3 second span:

Caller:HimynameisMarkandIhaveaveryurgentmessageformywifewhohasclasstonight. Pleasetelltheteachertocallmeat##-###,it’stheSuperstitionSpringsToyotacallcenter, press7andaskforCharlieandhe’llgetmeandI’lltellyouthemessageformywife.

Message intended for teacher, which I stuck outside the mailboxes:
ATTN: Unnamed teacher who has an unnamed student married to a Mark. Mark did not leave a very important message. Please call Toyota and speak to Charles for more information.

Student enters lobby: Hi! I have an appointment.
Me: Great if you could please sign in….who is your appointment with?
Student: I don’t remember.
Me: Okay well here is a water bottle while you wait….(check schedule book, name is not there. Check our database, student not there)
Me: Is this your first time in?
Student: Yeah.
Me: Okay we’ll I don’t see you here on my schedule; let me try to find an available representative. Meanwhile here is an iPod with short videos about our programs. (I set student up on iPod, start to call around to see who had an appointment with her.)
Student: This is nifty (referencing iPod)…there’s no videos on root canals.
Me: I’m sorry?
Student: How much is a root canal here?
Me: I….uh…
Student: (stars at me)
Me: Ma’am, are you hear to enroll in E*erest?
Student: Naw I’m just getting a cleaning today. But I’ll need a root canal (proceeds to poke around in her mouth as to show me something).
Me: Uhm. This isn’t a dentist’s office.
Non-student: (getting huffy) Well this is where they told me to go.
Me: I’m……sorry? I believe there is a dental school down the block a bit. That must be it.
Non-student: Can you call them for me?
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t know who they are.
Non-student: The teeth people.
Me: Yes I understand, but I do not know the name of the office or how to get in touch with them.
Non-student: (looks around) What is this? Where am I?

I go back to answering phones and the non-student disappears.

Thank you, Cabbage Soup Diet, for giving me the strength to show up to work every day.

Oh and I ate bananas and drank skim milk all the live-long day. I think I’ll have a competition to see which is faster, paint drying or grass growing, just to add to the day’s blandness.

Day 4 poundage loss: _3 lbs_

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